Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life