neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?