I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life