It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Remember folks 😂
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people