I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist