Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.