i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
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Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day