FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?