Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.