me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Good point.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
boat question
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it