STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
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They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words