My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.