We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”