Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Breaking news:
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.