My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
How your email finds me
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Hey Fugeddaboutit