I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Who’s ready for Friday?!
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.