[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Who did it better?