[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.