Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.