[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Just ordered me some pizza!
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me