I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
as is their right
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit