Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
This will never not be funny 😭
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”