My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
$4 #usedbooks
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
what?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?