My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
This made me smile…
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.