Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
You Might Also Like
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”