If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
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*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.