“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
You Might Also Like
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
smh
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.