Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
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If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Mmmm canned fish.