“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The game has officially changed 😎
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My boss called in sick of me
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.