Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
no cat here
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.