What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
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Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
anyone else like Italian cereal
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I need to get some bricks…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them