[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
yes… yes…
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Education is vital
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway