One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”