While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.