For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks