[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters