Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I love you…
…r dog.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
christening a ship with an overripe banana
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
time for some seasonal decor
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard