“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house