Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.