*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.