Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
when you order from DoorDastardly
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.