*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Pandas 🐼🖤
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.