I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
You Might Also Like
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Gemma Correll
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?