Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
What the hell happened in there??
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Huge, if true.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”