When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Meow
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
DOOO EEEET
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.