Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
From Facebook just now…
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.