humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
what does he know…
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶