[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz