I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.