My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
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Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox